leave out all the rest. I've never been perfect. But neither have you.

But tonight I need someone to talk to other than my mind. I have everything I’ve ever wanted and I have never felt so alone. I feel like I have made the mistake of all mistakes…. not moving out, or growing up or even considering taking a semester of…. but of course I feel this sadness in my soul because of a guy. A guy that since my freshman year I have been undeniably in love with. Up until a year ago when I finally moved on to someone who hurt me in ways I never thought I could hurt. But it also put my feelings into perspective for the first guy and I realized that I would always love him. But I was mature enough to realize that those feelings would never go away… so I learned to cultivate them into ones of friendship and kindness. But then he comes in for two weeks, and my entire world is tilted… changed and shifted into something that makes me feel as if I’m in 9th grade again swooning over the same damn thing. I hate these feelings that the last two weeks have brought back. Then again, I love them. I love him… that I know without doubt. I love him. and I want to tell him and I have told him…. but then he has problems with emotions which is probably the most unfair thing in the world. There are moments when I feel like what does that matter… I love him and I can except his faults and then there are moments where i feel like there are 7 billion fucking people in this world why the hell should i settle for one that has no idea how to tell me he loves me too………. and then i remember because he’s the one.

I want to scream… I fall asleep and wake up on the verge of tears. I wish I could just forget him again like I did before… then again it would be so much easier if he wasnt gonna be thousands of miles away from me.. then again why can;t i just count my damn blessings and get over this. move on and let God. But instead, I regret not saying “yes”. And I can’t get over that regret and I have NO idea how to tell him…..

This is without a doubt the most incoherent and unbelievably confusing rant ever… but I have no one else to talk to and I don’t think I could find anyone else who would understand except this computer screen….. go figure.

and I can honestly say I am no where near wanting to be married or wanting kids, and that would be completely normal for my age, if I lived in any town other than this one. What the fuck is wrong with people? We are young! Don’t get married, fucking party til you pass out.